Hope Made Me Do It

“I hope this isn’t ridiculous,” I say to myself approximate 30 times a day.

I don’t want to make a blog.

Honestly, I am terrified.

Part of me is scared no one will like it and the other part is afraid they will.

I am not an expert on things; like any of the things.

The fear of sounding pretentious or patronizing is real.

I am a 30-year-old recovering alcoholic with a wild kindergardener, I’m living in sin with my fiance who happens to be a woman and incidentally is NOT the father of my child.

Someone was talking about the craziness of the world and referenced a greater evil at work (the devil) I looked at the poor woman in the face and literally whispered “Voldemort.”

I am not an expert on any except Harry Potter.

This is not an advice column nor is it a collection of satire (oh how I wish it were sometimes).

This is my life in all its messy, chaotic, beauty and hope.

The blog was born of inspiration and need.

I am in a Facebook group for parents who have suffered miscarriages or lost young children; it is undoubtedly the most heartbreaking and humbling group to be a part of. There are days at a time where every post seems hopeless and bleak like a support group for people who are giving up. Comment after comment they write “same here,” and no one dares correct them because we cannot deny we have been there. Once in a while we are graced with an incredible gift. Amid the horror and helplessness someone will say something that makes us laugh in the way only a broken-hearted person can; careful at first, then full out giddiness and glee. There is a subtle shift in group conscious; we are grateful and smiling and using emojis and telling each other how brave we truly are.

I did not have a Facebook support group when I originally began my descent into madness and grief, however if I had I would have wanted more levity and more hope.

I made this blog because I think hope is the only motivator in life. We don’t do much of anything if we do not have hope. Hope is our last thread to life. Hope is that feather in the Forrest Gump movie fleeting and wispy and leading us to our destiny. It is wonderful and mysterious and we follow it without even realizing we have moved forward.

I do not want to write a blog, mainly because of the fear but I’ve done it anyway so there’s hope